2 Far/Theory of Intelligence Part 6

I had a friend take this photograph November 13th 2019 in my parent’s house because I spent many days sitting in that exact same spot, trying to figure out who I was.

The picture I was holding on to was painted in 1994 and this is pages 13 &14 from my bibliography.

I have faced my fears and the truth was setting me free, but what was the turning point of what seemed to be no return? I was smoking one night, flicking some ashes into an ashtray sitting on the table, and suddenly the answer to my question was right in front of me.

I was already a troubled child before I started smoking.

LIAR, CHEAT, BULLY, MEAN, SELFISH, ANGRY, BITTER, DISRUPTIVE, DISRESPECTFUL. By the time I was addicted to nicotine, all that I was had gone to another level. NO REMORSE, NO GUILT, SNEAKY, DICIETFUL, DISHONEST. By the time I was 19, I had been arrested seven times for disorderly conduct (fighting) because I was abusing alcohol and drugs COLD, NASTY VIOLENT, REVENGFUL.

I was a boy raised in a loving Christian home, who had become evil for no reason but my own. I thank God today that only some of my actions were acted upon from all the evil thoughts that I dwelled upon daily.

At 23 I had a severe problem with cocaine

All alone I sit here staring at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette. Tears upon tears running down my face as I am figuring out why I got and let myself get to this point. I take my thumbnail and flick three burning ashes into a strawberry ashtray. My imagination running wild with the constant image of the three burning ashes flickering through my mind.

I wiped the tears from my face and looked upon the cigarette between my fingers. I closed my eyes, and another tear began to run down my face.

Because of these 3 burning ashes I realized that the beginning of the worst was when I started smoking.

With all that followed...... “Once you were under God's curse, doomed forever for your sins. You went along with the crowd and were just like all the others, full of sin, obeying Satan, the mighty prince of the power of the air, who is at work right now into the hearts of those who are against the Lord.” Ephesians 2; 1,2(LB)

“Let us search out and examine our ways and turn back to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)

I examined my ways, and the truth was breaking my heart, because the guilt seemed like it was too much to bear. I hated who I was, and I truly thought, I would never be able to forgive myself for the things I had done to the people I said I loved.

I would often wonder how my life would have turned out if my father never got transferred and didn’t have to be a wknd father.

I was 16 years old when my father was promoted to Sergeant and transferred to a prison in Utica. My brother was in the Air Force stationed in Hawaii, so I was left with the woman (my mother) of the house. In the wintertime, my father and mother would alternate weekends, so that he wouldn’t have to drive home every weekend. My sister Penny, and I would throw small get togethers whenever my mother left for the weekend.

At the time, all I wanted to do was party and hang out with my friends. After I was supposed to graduate, reality hit, and I found out that I couldn’t party the way I wanted plus work a forty-hour week. My brother-in-law Mike got me a job at Bromley Ski Resort that summer. Since I was such a hard worker, I was able to work in the fall, even though I was going to school for one period a day in order to receive my diploma. My sister Penny, her husband Mike and her daughter Paige where living in Manchester Vt at the time and I was hanging out in Hartford every night because I didn’t have to get up so early for work.

Page 23 & 24 of Bibliography Graduation day

It was the last week of school and my mother told me she was going to spend the weekend with my father in Utica

Ever since then I would throw little parties. I knew that if my parents ever found out what I did, I would get into a lot of trouble. But, the temptation was too much to ignore. Every year, I would invite more and more people. It was my last day of school, and I was ecstatic after my Mother told me of her plans to go visit my father. I wanted to throw a party, a graduation party. That Friday, while I was at school, I told a few people I was going to have a party at my parent’s house. Then, by surprise, I received my diploma from our school’s principal. School was finally over, and it was the greatest day of my life.

When I got home from work that day, my mother had already left. I started getting things ready for my party. I took everything off all the flat surfaces, which was mostly picture frames, and put them in a safe place so they wouldn't get broken. Then, I found someone to buy me a keg of beer. By the time I got home, the keg had arrived and my friends and I were ready to start partying. We didn't waste any time tapping the keg. A friend of mine bought me a bottle of Captain Morgan for a graduation present and by seven o' clock, I was double fisted.

This video was done January 16th 2021. I did this video because of the first time I saw what my parents’ house looked like when I took the photograph in the beginning of the story. It made me think of the aftermath of that crazy night 30 years ago and how I never respected my parent’s wishes when it came their rules. I did what I wanted to do and didn’t care about anything else because it was all about me, myself and I.

In 1996, I got a really good job as a temp at Degussa Corporation. Things began to look up for me, I was told I would get hired as a full timer when a position opened up. My father gave me a great deal to buy the house once I went full time, but that never happened. After working there for 14 months I got laid off and I decided to join the U.S. Navy. My father retired as a Captain and my parents moved back to Granville and remodeled the house. They made it look really nice. It made me very sad to find out the new owner left the house the way he did, but it wasn't the first time I had seen some else's misfortune.

In 2014, I had a job where I inspected houses that had been foreclosed. I only worked there for about 6 months; the job took a toll on me. I could see a sad story in every house I inspected. I couldn’t imagine what happened, or the reason why they wouldn't pack up photographs, trophies, jewelry, and other memorabilia items. It was like they just vanished, and it broke my heart so much that I decided to find another job.

I pray for those who might be going through difficult times because of the pandemic, especially the ones who have lost their house or can’t pay their mortgage. May God comfort you and bless you in this difficult time.

My dad got another transfer, but this time, my mom decided to go with him. They agreed to let me stay in the house and have a roommate, provided we pay rent like normal tenants. Throughout this entire span, my drug use had continued to escalate and at this point, I figured I had a perfect excuse to transform their house into “party central.” I was, after all, paying rent. So, wasn’t it my business what I did with the property? Drugs had always made me rowdy and aggressive, so it was no wonder that I spent much of my time fighting with people in bars and clubs. I already had the hatred and anger one needs to act out against strangers. I was notorious throughout my hometown; it’s a reputation that haunts me, even to this day.

I don’t know exactly what it was that made me start pursuing abstract art. It may have been that I felt abandoned-by my family and friends, but most of all, by God. Or, it could have been that I felt a depth of emotions that words could not communicate. Mostly though, I think the art was somewhat therapeutic for me. I’d always been interested in artistic things; but I’d suppressed those feelings in pursuit of more practical activities. I realized that art—my art—touched a chord with people. For whatever reason, they could identify with my work. And, for the first time in a really long time, I began to feel things again. I felt the exhilaration of my victories, as well as the disappointment of my defeats. But, most importantly, I felt the presence of God in my life. Still, I wasn’t ready to acknowledge His goodness, but I sensed it nonetheless.

For instance - this picture I did with chalk is called "Breaking Through," because I knew someday I would be able to break through the darkness that took over my life.

AND SO CAN'T YOU!

Then came the letter from Penny. After reading it, I sat down and cried. I searched my heart for His spirit, but it was nowhere to be found. It seemed so ironic to me that what I was missing most in my life was captured in that which I created with my artwork. When I couldn’t figure it out on my own, I decided to do something I’d rarely done—I decided to ask for help. That letter proved to me that I didn’t have the strength to do what needed to be done; I realized that in my power alone, I’d surely fail. That’s why I said it was the beginning of the rest of my life. You can’t live with Christ until you ask for His help and you can’t really begin to live without Him present.

This video I did after I stood before my church family and talked to them about the main reason, I asked to put on an art show in the fellowship hall. It focuses around the letter and card my sister gave to me many years ago. If you would like to watch the entire video, click HERE

Testimony cont - From there, God led me to the US Navy. My prior enlistment (in the Reserves) and my pending police record (from the nights of drug abuse and fighting) made it virtually impossible for me to be accepted. I decided that I would leave it in God’s hands, even down to the smallest detail. I went all over the place on different aircraft carriers: from New York to California to Maryland and around South America and back. Life on a carrier is not the easiest place to grow in your spiritual walk, especially if you’re having a hard time finding your way to church on land. Human logic would tell you that the best answer to this situation would be to get me on shore duty so that I could attend church and get involved with some Christian friends. Instead, God’s wisdom sent me to a submarine base.

The base was only 45 minutes away from my sister and her growing family. She offered me a place to stay until I found a home of my own and she didn’t waste any time introducing me to “family chores.” I think I was babysitting my first weekend there. But, God knew that I needed as much time in that environment as I could possibly get. After all, His presence was everywhere. We were only allowed to listen to Christian music. Everyone (and I mean everyone) in the family was expected to complete daily devotions. We prayed together before meals and bedtime. And, for the first time in a very long time, I was attending church on a regular basis. When it came time for me to report to my command, some technicalities caused me to slip into my old ways.

That night is a bad memory in an otherwise wonderful time in my life. I’d driven from Connecticut to New York to pick up some supplies. Little did I know that I was also driving away from my progress and into another late night of partying. All I can say is that God protects us in spite of ourselves. The next morning, I immediately felt guilty because of my actions. But, instead of internalizing everything, I decided that I would tell my mom about it and ask her to remind me of that night if I ever came home like that again. I knew that I had control over myself and that I could withstand that temptation. I just needed some encouragement from my family so that I didn’t fall into the same patterns as before.

When I got to Connecticut, I told Penny what had happened and, in an effort to appease her obvious disappointment with me, I agreed to go to the evening service at her church. That night changed the course of the rest of my life because I left feeling like the entire sermon had been written specifically for me. For the first time since I was seven years old, I felt what it was like to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. It was such an exciting night that I can still feel everything that I felt then. I had a renewed sense of purpose and power. For some reason, I knew that this time would be different. If and when it became time for me to leave Connecticut, I would be ready to leave. From that point on I resolved to be focused on what was ahead, instead of spending my days looking over my shoulder at what might have been.

Three weeks (and a few technicalities) later, I got word that I was being transferred to Virginia Beach. When I arrived on base and awaited my command, I found out that my place of work would be right beside a church. She inquired about my spiritual involvement and gave me directions to London Bridge. At first I was intimidated by the size of the church. I didn’t have my sister with me this time and I was afraid that I wouldn’t fit in. I heard that the church hosted a coffeehouse on Friday nights, so I decided to check that out. That’s where I met Jen and Karen. I talked with them about their Sunday School class and decided that I should try it the following Sunday.

The more time I spent in Sunday School with other Christians, the more I found myself wanting to learn about God. I decided that I would start coming to the Wednesday night Bible studies. I enjoyed this time because it gives you a chance to get to know people in a smaller group and it provides an opportunity to be encouraged and excited halfway through the week. And, from there, I decided to start meeting with Eric once a week so that we can get into the Bible and discuss different things that are going on in our lives. Since Eric and Kylie have taken over the singles ministry, I have grown closer to God as a result of their spiritual leadership.

During one of our weekly meetings, Eric told me that he has already seen a change in me in the short time he’s been here. That makes me feel good to know that someone is noticing what God has done and is currently doing in my life. One of the main benefits that I have noticed is that through my artwork and my new Christian friends, God is giving me positive ways of dealing with my emotions. I no longer act out my anger and frustration in violent or destructive ways. I want to be happy and show people that serving the Lord will make you happier than any other pursuit on earth.

Eric always says that the definition of grace is when you get things that you don’t deserve and mercy is when you don’t get something that you do deserve. I can see God’s plan with both of these in my life. God has shown me so much grace—through my family and my life experiences. I don’t pretend to deserve any of it, but I am willing to receive it because I know He gives it out of love for me. And, I have always wondered why I got away with all the things I’ve done. So, when Eric shared the definitions of those words with me, I knew that the only explanation was that God was behind it all. My only regret is that I didn’t maintain the desire I had as a seven year old, when I first invited Jesus into my life.

Not long ago, I went on leave, which meant returning to New York and facing the reputation that I’d created for myself in another place at another time in my life. I asked everyone who was coming to the Wednesday night services to pray for me because I knew that while I was there, I would be right in the midst of temptation again. I knew that I’d been in that same position so many times before and had fallen short of my expectations because I’d tried to do everything in my own power. But, I knew that God was capable of anything and I knew that those people who committed to praying for me would do just that. I knew that God would be faithful to give me opportunities to present a testimony to my friends; I just hoped I’d be strong enough to present it when the time arrived for me to do so.

I was able to maintain my testimony to my friends, even though they weren’t always willing to hear it. They aren’t at a place where they are ready to give up the ways of the world, but I know that they noticed a difference in my life. Afterwards, I was so excited that I’d withstood the temptation that I was telling everyone about it—including my mother and father. In fact, all of the discussions about the changes in my life and the growth I’d experienced gave me an opportunity to have a conversation with my father. It was one that was long overdue. I got to talk with him about regrets I had, about mistakes I’d made, and about things I wish I could change. He got to talk with me about those very same things. And, for the first time that I could remember, we both got a chance to listen to each other.

In closing, I’d just like to say that if I had it to do all over again, I’d love to be able to say that I’d stayed a faithful servant of God from the time I was seven until now. But, I also know that God never wastes a hurt. God has allowed me my testimony and that it will be worthwhile if it can be used to save someone else from needless pain and disappointment. Someone here tonight needed to hear my testimony. And it’s for you that I write this:

Those whom God has called to suffer

Know the agony of pain

Yet when they yield it all to Him

They find in it, great gain

Hess

I know I have a long way to go and that, at times, I still don’t act like much differently than the seven-year old, I once knew. But, I live for God now. I struggle with that because I am learning that it’s not just the job of the pastor to bring people to the Lord. He preaches to us to provide us with the knowledge and understanding to influence non-believers and lead them to Christ. I no longer pray that God would draw me closer to Him because He has already answered that prayer. Now, I just pray that He would make me more like Him. Little by little. Day by day.