FORGIVE ME
This was taken from a folder called ACHIEVEMENTS
USS HARRY S TRUMAN
I was stationed on the USS Harry S. Truman, which is the eighth Nimitz-class aircraft carrier of the United States Navy from 2004-2007. I was under the worst leadership you could imagine. From the Commanding Officer to the Second Class Petty Officer in my division. In those three years, I had three different Division Officers and each one was worse than the last one. I loved being a Photographers Mate, but the Navy was merging my rate with three other rates, Journalist (JO) Illustrator/Draftsman (DM) and a Lithographer (LI) The three years I spent on the Truman was the worst three years of my 14 years in the Navy but it didn’t have to be. I was among some of the most talented Flight deck photographers in the Navy and I could have learned a lot from them, but I wouldn’t swallow my pride, because I thought I was a much better photographer than what I really was.
I didn’t realize I was hurting myself until I went to college for photography in 2013 and started mimicking other photographers. My photography has improved more in the last 7 years and I’ve been hooked on photography since 1991. I wish I got up 15 minutes early and read this (HUMILITY) before I got into the first formation of the day. The reward of not having any regrets would have been worth every minute of it. I do thank God for helping me with self-control because I was pushed to my limits on a regular basis but I know some of it was because of my own doings.
This document was taken from a folder called HUMILITY/TRUMAN
SELF CONTROL
“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.” 2 Peter 1:3-9
7, October 2004
Five days before reporting to the USS Truman, me and my girlfriend at the time broke up, I knew she was taking advantage of me and that she wasn’t going to wait for me while I was deployed. She was already hanging out with another guy. The following day after reporting to my new Command I left for a six month deployment. One month into deployment, I became the night supervisor where I started writing the first Chapter of my bibliography. I used rough drafts from the Full Moon, a chalk drawing called “Facing your Fears,” an acrylic painting called “Colors,” and one called, “Piece of my Heart/Puzzle,” which was also created by using chalk and magic markers.
Why did I let my life come to this point and where did it generate from? “Jesus said, “Self help is no help at all. Self sacrifice is the way, my way to finding yourself, your true self.” My life was like a puzzle and when I tried to put the pieces together I realized I had to go back to my childhood to find out what brought me to this point.
The paintings, drawings and writings became more intense as I started to figure out who I was. I ended up painting a picture that would remind me of the promise I made to my mother. I told her how close I was to committing suicide in the fall of 1991, she would've been the one who would have found me if I had succeeded. I promised her that I would never again make another attempt on my life. I also expressed how I didn't want to go on any longer, because the past was so painful; I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to hold my head up because I was drowning in my own tears.
NO MORE TEARS
This photograph named ‘No More Tears was supposed to be a picture of me because I was drenching my couch with tears every night in the winter of 1994. Since the pictures of me didn’t come out very good, I used the photograph of the guy who was helping me but the rest of description of the photograph pertains to me.
…I drench my couch with my tears. Psalms 6:6
After September 19, 1994 my life changed because of the events that happened on and after the night of ‘THE FULL MOON.’
My heart is severely pained within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me. Psalms 55:4,5
O Lord, don’t rebuke me in Your wrath, nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure! For Your arrows pierce me deeply, and Your hand presses me down. There is no soundness in my flesh because of your anger, nor any health in my bones because of my sin. For my iniquities have gone over my head; Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me. My wounds are foul and festering because of my foolishness. I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the daylong. For my loins are full of inflammation, and there is no soundness in my flesh. I am feeble and severely broken; I groan because of the turmoil of my heart. Psalms 38:1-8
The verses you just read was how I felt after I stopped blaming everyone else for the person I had become and took responsibility for my actions. But I still wasn’t ready to give my life over to God
Hosea 7:18 “They did not cry out to Me with their heart when they wailed upon their beds.”
Affliction does not necessarily bring us back to the Lord; it depends on what we do with it. Affliction is an invitation to repentance, not repentance itself. A cry of anguish isn’t the same as a cry for mercy. The Lord invited us to come to Him in prayer anytime of the day, for any reason, with any problem or challenge or request.
God is patient because He wants everyone to turn from sin, and no one to be lost. 2 Peter 3:9
In my Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. John 14:2
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor pain. There shall be no more tears, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4
ART THERAPY
CHAPTER 1 PAGE 16 & 17
I knew there was still a lot that needed to be revealed before I would be completely healed, but I was getting lonely. So I began sharing my thoughts and paintings with some of my friends, which would lead to another painting that would be called, “Therapy.”
I never thought that sharing what was progress in my life would be something that people, who I thought were my friends, would use to bring me down. Some made me feel like I was losing my mind and others just weren't giving me the support that I wanted and needed to go on.
I wanted someone I could just grab and hold on to until everything was revealed and I was healed, but instead I was ridiculed for what I was trying to do. My feelings were crushed and it was leading me down the path of destruction. I felt like my past was causing me more heartache than what I could handle. I even thought about burning all my paintings, so I didn't have to be reminded of who I was. I found myself alone, confused, angry, and frustrated because I thought I was finding a way out. Instead, I found myself lost in a world of torment. The state of mind, that I was in, caused me to question myself. I wondered if I needed psychiatric help. I thought that maybe what I was doing was a waste of time and maybe it wasn't normal.
I wanted and needed to stop living in the past and concentrate on the future, but the present was empty. If I didn't find the answers, I knew that my past would eventually become my fate. I searched the dark areas of my heart for the answers that were hidden deep within. I went deeper into my childhood and analyzed the cause behind the reasons for my actions. I already knew that being the youngest, and learning to take the easy way out, was a significant factor with where I was in life, but there was so much more. I had failed to acknowledge this because I wasn't looking for an excuse.
I was looking for the reasons, from which my excuses came from. When I found the excuses that I would continuously use to justify my actions, I understood why I kept them hidden deep in the darkness of my heart. It's sad to say but when my actions couldn't be explained, I would dwell upon my past for the answers, which caused the wounds as a child and so on to dig deeper and deeper. I would channel all the pain into ANGER, which helped justify the way I was living without having to change.
Now that I was able to find the answers to so many questions. There was no one to blame for my actions, but myself.I realized I had to take responsibility for all the things I had done in the past, but I couldn't bring myself to admit to the authorities the one thing I had done that made me feel like I had gone too far.I knew if I did, I would never recover from the consequences.I felt like I had suffered enough for what I had done, yet the decision I made, I was clouded with uncertainty. There was no way I could forgive myself for all that I had done until everything had been revealed. I knew it would be hard because time was holding me back.I didn't want to wait because I had come to a dead end, and I felt like there was...
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