Tough Love/Pages 94-99
By November of 1992, I went through a lot of changes in my life. It started in July, when my father and mother decided to try and work on their marriage.
By August, he started coming home every other weekend from Utica. They were getting reacquainted and trying to rekindle the relationship they had when they first got married.
I was really happy for my mother, because my father was the love of her life. In her eyes, no other man would ever be able to take his place. It was easy to see how hard it was on her when they were apart. She lost a lot of weight after she found out that he was involved with another woman, but my father came back to her. I must admit that my mother seemed jubilant when my father first started coming back home. It was amusing to watch my mother prance around in front of my father. I knew she was feeling a lot better about herself, because of the weight she lost when they were separated. I just wish she could have lost the weight in a different way.
But that was in the past and at first it was easy to forget about the pain my father caused his family, because my mother was back to her normal self. I was so happy for her, but after a while I saw that my mother was slowly being molded into what my father wanted. This really bothered me, because he was the one who left her for another woman. As far as I was concerned, he should have been the one bowing down to her every need. But it seemed to be the other way around.
After a short while my father found his place again. Then he started getting on my case like he used to before he left. He let me know that things were going to change, and that I had run of the house for way to long. I couldn't believe the things he said to me, and it made me really upset. I’d barely seen him in ten months; and before I could even get adjusted to him being back in my life, he starts laying down the law. He was acting like I was going to fall right into place without putting up a fight, and at that time, it wasn't in my nature to do so.
When I fought back, he would bring my mother into our arguments, and she would take his side. I felt like I was losing my best friend, because she used to stick up for me all the time. Especially when he would come down on me as hard as he was now. She agreed with everything he had to say to me, which gave him the freedom to say whatever he wanted. One weekend he even had the audacity to tell me that he didn't like the way I treated my mother, yet he was the one who left her. He also told me that I was taking advantage of my mother, because my vehicle was in the shop getting worked on, and I was using her car for transportation. He told me that I should have listened to him when he told me to buy a car more reliable than a 62 Rambler. He said that my mother had to pay for my mistake by walking to work every time I had to borrow her car when mine was in the shop. He told me I should have been smarter with the money I had saved while I was in the Army. I should have saved my money for a rainy day. Instead, I was broke, and I didn't have anything to show for it.
As the weeks went by, the pressure from my father was really getting to me. He would get on my case about everything, and he wouldn't leave me alone. Every time I thought I had heard enough, and I was going to tell my father exactly what I was thinking, I would restrain myself because I knew it would only hurt my mother.
Some days were very difficult, but I knew I had to keep my opinion to myself. My mom had been through so much in the last ten months, and I didn't want to put her in a situation where she would have to pick sides.
After the weekends were over, and my dad went back to Utica, I would be ready to snap at someone. Unfortunately, that person was usually my mother, because I had to sit there and listen to my father tell me everything that was on his mind. It wouldn't have been so bad accept, I couldn't tell him how I really felt because that would lead to a big fight and that would upset my mother. So, after he left, I would tell my mother what I was thinking. But every conversation with her would end with her saying, “Are you ever going to be able to forgive him for what he did?” Most days I wouldn't say anything and leave it at that for the moment.
I tried very hard not to bring it up again, but it seemed like something would always happen and I would have to tell my mother my exact feelings on the matter. She would listen to every word I had to say, and then she would give me words of encouragement. She understood why I felt the way I did, but she knew that my father was right in telling me what I needed to hear. She would try to redirect his lectures in a more positive manner. She would encourage me to do better and to set some goals for myself. But before I knew it, it would be Friday, and it would start all over again.
SIDE NOTE - The video you are about to watch was done March 19, 2016. It's a continuation of the chapter you just left off from, which happened in the summer of 1993. It is now October 1, 2020. My wife wasn’t even pregnant with our first born, Logan when this video was being done, so there has been a lot of changes in my life since then. Sort of like all the changes I was going through when I was 22 years old after my father came back into my life.
MY DAD
(Pastor G. Craig Lewis/EX Ministries)
Just because the statistics of this post is based on African Americans, it doesn't mean that it doesn't apply to everyone.
KNOW WHO YOU ARE
TOUGH LOVE CONT - The day finally came when I couldn't take it anymore. There were so many things that were building up inside of me, but I didn't take it out on my father. No, I took it out on my mother after he left. I got really angry when I was talking to her, because she was sticking up for him like she did ever since he came back. I told her that I wished he had never come back. This made her start to cry and she asked, “Don't you care about my happiness?” My reply was, “Does it make you happy that he makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough for him, and everything I do is wrong?”
She raised her voice and said, “Your father loves you very much and he wants the best for you.” I answered, “It's not about him wanting the best for me. It's about him finally being able to come down on me without having to worry about you getting in the middle of it, because he knows he has you wrapped right around his finger. He doesn't want me getting in the way anymore. He is trying to push me out of the house, so he can have you all to himself.”
She interrupted me and asked, “Darin, you don't really believe that do you?” I answered, “Yes mom, I believe it, because you take his side in everything. When I think I am doing what he wants, he turns it around and makes me feel like it's not good enough and you're right there backing him up.”
I paused and then said, “I can't believe how things are now, especially with him being the one who left you for another woman.” She replied with a soft voice, “Darin, it was wrong for your father to get involved with another woman, and I am not trying to make excuses for what he did, but there were many things that contributed to your father doing what he did.” I looked at her like she was out of her mind, so she continued by saying, “For years your father was very unhappy, and a lot of it was my fault.”
After that she quoted Ephesians 5:22-24 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Then she said, “Darin, part of the reason why your father left me was because I wasn't doing my part as a Godly wife. For years I put my children first, when I should have been putting him first. I should have been more supportive in the decisions he made as head of the household, especially when it came to you. But it broke my heart when I saw how hard he was on you, so I felt like I needed to protect you. You should have never witnessed some of the things you saw and heard. Even if I disagreed with the way your father disciplined you or how hard he was on you, I should have waited until we could have discussed it in private, instead of arguing with him in front of you. I should have prayed and trusted God to intervene and give him the will and desire to be a Godly husband and father I know he can be.”
Husbands are to love their wives with a sacrificial, protecting, providing, perfect love, even as “Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” (Ephesians 5:25)
When she paused, I didn't say anything, so she continued, “I wish things could have been different. Things happened the way they did, and I can't do anything to change it. But I thank God every day that your father came back to me. Now I can show him I am ready and willing to be the Godly wife God wants me to be.”
After that I smirked and started to walk away, then turned around when she asked, “Darin, are you ever going to be able to forgive your father?” I stared into her eyes and asked, “Do you think Dad will ever be the Godly husband God wants him to be?” She replied, “All things are possible with God.”
I looked at her as if I never thought it would happen, so she said, “Since you're not willing to forgive your father, do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?” I gave her a confused look and asked, “For what?” She gently grabbed my hand and answered, “Because it is my fault that you have turned out the way you are; for the many heart aches that you are dealing with in your life.” I pulled my hand away from hers and said with a stern voice, “Don't even think of taking the blame for the reason my life has turned out the way it has.”
She reached out for me with tears rolling down her face and said, “It is my fault. It's my fault. I made things too easy for you. I bailed you out when I should have let you learn from your own mistakes.” Tears started running down my face, and I begged her to stop as I wrapped my arms around her. She continued by saying, “Your father and I fought because he could see what kind of man, I was causing you to become, but I didn't listen to him. Now I know he was right, so I am begging you to forgive me for causing you so much heartache.”
After that she released me from her arms, she looked me in the eyes and said, “Darin, I have been trying to make you understand for months that I am not trying to make your life any harder than what it already is. You need to realize, that what your father and I are trying to do, is for your own good.”
There were many more tears throughout the rest of our conversation, especially when she begged me to forgive her. It was the hardest things I ever did, because she was my best friend. She showed me how much she loved me daily by her actions, but all I ever did was take her for granted.
That night, while I lay in bed, I felt so guilty for the things I had done; and how I took my mother for granted for so many years. Eventually, the guilt turned to anger.
Anger - is a strong feeling of intense displeasure, hostility or indignation as a result of a real or imagined threat, insult, frustration or injustice towards yourself or others important to you.
There are many causes of anger - not getting your way or feeling rejected or fears of loss, feeling threatened, feeling disappointed and injustice, or feeling in adequate.
I was angry because I felt like I was losing my best friend, and I blamed my father. I was angry because my father and I never had a good relationship, and because he was so hard on me. I was angry because he expected the same from me that he expected from my brother, yet we weren't the same.
The more insecure a person, the easier it is to feel anger in their heart, because most of the time they feel like they're not feeling like they're being treated correctly.
I was angry that he didn't see me for who I was, like my mother did. I was angry because my mother is paying for the consequences of trying to lift me up, when it seemed like the only thing my father knew how to do was break me down with his words.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
It made me angry that my mother blamed herself for the man I turned out to be, when all she was trying to do was protect me from my father. I was angry that she asked me to forgive her, because she must have known the pain and guilt it was going to cause me.
I couldn't blame my mother for the way I was feeling. I knew how much she loved me. So, I blamed my father. I blamed him for the way my life turned out, and for all the bad choices I made after I got out of the Army. I felt that if he had never left my mother, then none of this would have happened.
Maybe I would have able to focus on making good decisions. Maybe I could have saved the money I made in the army, instead of blowing it all and having nothing to show for it.
Blaming others for their actions began with Adam and Eve in (Genesis 3:11-13)
And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"
The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."
Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"
The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."
God gives Adam a chance to confess his sin directly and ask forgiveness by asking him: “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" Instead he blames Eve for giving the fruit to him, and then he pointed his finger at God by telling God “The woman you put here with me” was responsible. Eve then pointed her finger at the serpent saying that he “deceived” her.
It is in our nature to blame others for what we do or were we are, when our lives start to spin out of control. It started in the beginning (Genesis 3:11-13 with Adam and Eve, and it won't end until the New Jerusalem has been built (Revelation Chapter 21)
“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End…” Revelation 21:6
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